The Beginning of My New Life (3/28/07)

As I sit here getting my oil changed I have a lot of feelings about my future. Where my life is going, and what to do. About my girlfriend, I truly love this girl with all my heart, or do I? I've always felt second best to everything. Never first. Like this morning....I saw the same loving eyes like always, but what is inside of her brain? Does she still want me, to live with me, to love me; or to break up with me? I don't know. I try very hard to appease her, but what does she want? Am I fooling myself, or am I hanging around for something better? What? I never loved someone this much before, and I really think I will not again because my heart can't take this much pressure anymore. She says she loves me, says she wants to be with me, says she wants to make a life with me; but after some of the disagreements, I can't tell anymore. I do everything for this lady way too much, and I wonder why. Is it to learn how to treat a lady, or because I'm really stupid. Some days I'm sure, some days I'm not. I learn a lot in church, and I ask God to help me with the right decision so I will not make another mistake again. Have you ever looked at someone and said to yourself "I'd really like to spend the rest of my life with her"? Have you ever looked at her soul and her spirit and said "that is the one"? Then to find out she is more ____-ed up than you. As if she lived a lie and now she can see the truth. To see she made the same bad decisions you made, and then some. To find out she not only had the same dirty little secrets, but worse; but you still love her anyway. She can easily be controlled by an ant, but dog you like you were in a prison riot. She is very loving to me, and affectionate to me. I have seen nothing like it; but when she comes with a mean streak, it is very lethal. Example: last Thursday everything was fine, a beautiful day with her. Couldn't ask for a better day than that. It seems as soon as her son came home and she'd had no nap, all hell broke loose. We were cooking and getting ready to eat when I asked her son does he know how to make a website. She spoke up and said why am I asking him how to make awebsite, he's only 14 years old. I felt that I could not tell her. I've asked her repeatedly to help me build a website since she said it was so easy. And now that I asked her son to spend that quality time with him, what's the problem? Do you think she should have spoke up or kept quiet? Then she went on this onslought of hurtful words, things that I cannot put on this website. But, the very ones I can remember are the ones I learned in anger management and parenting classes. I asked her why do you always yell at me about trying to do what's right by taking care of you and promises that I want to keep. And why do you always treat me so bad? By the very hurtful words that 95% of women say about men doing the same thing. I played second fiddle to everyone. I do more mentally for you from my heart and soul. Every day I ask the good Lord to please let you be the one, when I already know the answer to the question. How come I've understood the very essence of your heart and problems but yous still act like I have no clue. What took him 25 years, it took me 2 years because I wasn't going to walk away without trying to understand what makes you tick. As you sit right in the chair what are you thinking? What's inside your head? I clean your house because I care. I help you out because the ones you live with could care less. I try not to bother you or be stuck up your rear end because those around her dothe same thing, and a great job at that. I've put my life on hold to get you to a point for you to see the truth just like you did me. She takes one step forward, and three steps back. All I want is for her to walk beside me. What is keeping you here? These are the type of relationships that are an everyday occurrence. These are the type of things people like you and me go through every day. I have the gall to open up my soul and heart to let you know I am just as ordinary as you. I do have problems. I do have stress. I now have goals and dreams just like you. After my ex wife, I cannot begin how I felt so low in my life. Alone, scared, I really felt like I was in a fetal position. I felt like very day I was in a coffin, buried alive. As the oxygen was slowly seeping out, and no one heard my cries. Everyone tooks turns throwing dirt on my grave. Trust me, I've been there.

Leslie

PS. Thanks to Peter Kaminski for the photo